Jesus is precious to me. I love Him with all my being. 17 years ago, He took this terrible sinner and gave me a new heart and eternal hope. He took my ashes and made them beautiful. He took my brokenness and made me whole again. He walked beside me through great storms and helped me overcome tremendous obstacles.
And He will prove Himself faithful again in my life.
That doesn’t mean I will not suffer. It doesn’t mean that I will not have moments that I doubt, falter, am confused, or scared. It doesn’t mean I won’t have moments where I am frustrated or angry. It doesn’t mean I won’t long for my old body and mind back. It means that He will walk me through this step by step, day by day until my trial is done. I am starting to make peace that it will be His timing as He does what He wills for my life and brings the change the trial will produce.
That doesn’t mean I like my trial, it means I trust my Savior.
I will have days that I want to quit, yet He will hold me up. I will have moments where I am afraid, yet He will be with me still. I will have times that I fear I can’t go on, yet He will empower me to take one more step…day by day because He is faithful to me. And as much as I see His beauty and consider Him precious, He considers me far more abundantly. That’s what is amazing about Jesus. While everything is so wrong within my mind, He still loves me. In my current state, people can see only loss, but Jesus sees a work beginning. And in spite of my brokenness, He would die again for me right as I am, fight for me in spite of my messed up brain…He would leave those 99, to walk beside me in my storm.
I don’t understand God’s ways. I have been more humbled then I have ever been in my life. I have cried more and been more afraid (injury-induced) than at any other time in my life. I have been more confused and doubted more then I would care to say. I would love to say that I am fighting a good fight but that would be a lie. I am not. I am being upheld, moment by moment, by His mercy. When I am done, it will be His victory that I will proclaim, not mine. Jesus alone will be the one who triumphed over my story and it will proclaim God’s glory and my good!